The Shepherdess and the Chimneysweep
by draco-is-the-punk
Summary: An amusing adaptation of the lesser known fairytale. Contains slash and mild language. Starring characters from my HP roleplay site; buckbeef . proboards49 . com


Once upon a time, there was a cupboard that stood in the parlour of a house, which had been left to the family by a long dead relative. Indeed, it was only due to the sentimentality of the furniture that the family chose to keep it, since the thing was the most hideous yet elaborate cabinet for miles around. The once bright polished mahogany was black with age, and the whole thing was carved with intricate blossoms juxtapositioned with furled scrolls and the heads of stags. On the door of the cupboard, there was carved the most curious man.

This figure was tall and sinister with a perpetual smirk on his face and he clutched his wand in one hand and around his other was entwined a great serpent. The children of the family were once very afraid of the bizarre man but in time had grown to realise that they had nothing to fear from a motionless image on the door of an old cupboard. They playfully nicknamed him Kristoph, and occasionally included him in one of their games, but most of the time left him to staring thoughtfully at the table underneath the looking glass.

On this table there stood a porcelain figurine whose name was Jared. His shoes were gilt and he was polished every day until he shone. His robes swirled around his ankles, and his smile was as white as the finest pearls. Close by his side was his companion Kean, a less delicate ornament with a winning grin and a cheery disposition. Since they were of similar make and size, they had been placed on the table side by side and had therefore become very close. As they were so well suited, they endeavoured to marry.

Close to them was another figure, much larger than they and dressed entirely in Muggle clothing. His name was Mark, and his face was set in a permanent scowl. He had a clever hinge in the back of his neck which allowed him to nod his head, and he called himself the father of Jared, which he claimed gave him full control over the wayward figurine. Therefore when Kristoph the carving decided that he wanted to take Jared as his own husband, Mark took it upon himself to consent on Jared's behalf.

"For a wizard and a man, he's not half bad. He has a whole cupboard full of silver plates."

"I'm not going into that crappy dark cupboard. I've heard he has eleven china husbands in there already."

"Then you'll be the twelfth!" Mark declared with an insistent nod of his head "Tonight you shall be married, whether you like it or not."

When Mark had fallen asleep, Jared seized the hands of his sweetheart in panic and fear.

"Screw Dad, I'm out of here. Come with me?" he entreated.

For he would rather face the unknown in the wide world outside their spot on the table than be separated from his true love and forced into a relationship with the cruel figure on the cupboard.

"Sure." Kean agreed whole-heartedly "Let's go before he wakes up."

Jared wrung his hands, contriving to form a plan.

"We need to get off this damn table." said he; "Then we can escape into the real world."

Kean comforted his love, showing him the best way to climb down the edge of the table and descend the intricately hewn legs until their china feet reached the Persian carpet below. But lo! Whatever was occurring with the old cupboard? For all of the carvings: the snake, the stags and the flowers, all were twisting and writhing menacingly while Kristoph himself let out a shout so loud that half of the household must have heard.

"They're running away!" he hissed in fury, brandishing his weapons and longing to be a solid being so as to stop the elopers himself.

The two lovers were most frightened by this peculiar sight, and hastened across the acres of floor to reach the path to liberation. But Jared's father had awoken, and was rocking his body and shouting in a manner that both alarmed and worried the pair. For if the great figurine caught them then they would have little hope of escape.

"Let's jump in that massive vase of pot pourri. We can chuck bits of dried plant at him if he comes near us." Kean suggested, indicating a vessel across the room.

"That won't work. Dad and the vase used to date. I'm pretty sure we'd be sitting ducks if we tried that. We need to get out of this house altogether."

"Are you sure?" Kean inquired, his dark painted eyes creased in concern "We might not be able to get back."

"I'm sure." Jared insisted with bravery that he did not feel.

Kean regarded him keenly, an idea forming in his mind as to how they could best make their exit from this world of treacherous security.

"We can go up the chimney. That's the best way to get out of here."

Such a perilous path spread the seeds of terror in the minds of the couple, but such a journey was the only way to reach the world outside. For the door was locked, and even if it had been not, neither of the figurines was high in stature and they could not reach the handle.

They ventured to the stove, looking up the flue into impenetrable darkness. Although both were deeply afraid, they took comfort in each other and clasped hands as they began to ascend the chute to the rooftops above.

It was a long climb to the top, and by the time they peeped out into the cold night air, both porcelain figures were in need of a wash and a polish.

"Look! A pretty star!" Kean exclaimed as they perched carefully on the edge of the dark tunnel from whence they had climbed.

And true enough, all of Heaven was spread above them. They gazed at the thick blanket of stars above and the miles of city below.

"Now what?" Jared asked into the overwhelming silence.

For they had no plans beyond the initial flight, and neither of them had anticipated just how vast the world outside the one they had known could be. Now they comprehended how two figures of delicate porcelain could so easily find themselves dashed to pieces, and the mild perils of the warm indoors seemed trivial.

"The world is too large." Jared quoth after a moment of contemplation "I think I want to go home."

"Okay." replied Kean in a gracious tone.

For he too felt that going back would be the safest option, despite the fearless façade he kept in place for Jared's benefit.

"We'll explore the world when we're married. But right now I'm pretty tired." Jared rationalized, looking longingly back down the chute.

So the brave adventurers chose to return to the safety of their familiar abode, despite the bugaboo from which they had fled.

But when they returned to the bottom of the chimney, what sight should meet their eyes? Jared's father Mark: in pieces upon the carpet. For in his pursuit of the couple, he had toppled from the tabletop and broken on the floor.

"Shit! We've killed my Dad!" Jared exclaimed, horrified at the consequences of their actions.

Kean drew his distraught lover into his arms, hastening to reassure him.

"The family will mend him. They have lots of Spellotape."

But the hinge from Mark's neck had rolled away underneath the cupboard, and the family could not repair the break in his neck using simple incantations. So they fitted a metal rivet which held Mark's head firmly in place, and his appearance was as good as new.

"I'm glad you're mended." remarked Kristoph "Because now you can tell your son that he has to marry me. Can I have him or not?"

Kean and Jared both froze in fear; casting anxious looks at the newly mended figurine for fear that he would nod his approval to the dreaded union. However, nod he did not.

"Well?" Kristoph asked with an air of impatience.

Mark scowled, the man too proud to admit that he could not nod due to the rivet in his neck. He affected somnolence, ignoring the persistent carving while Jared and Kean rejoiced in the crippling rivet and their love for one another.


End file.
